Puddings, Sauce and Idiots
by Leader of the Penguins
Summary: Present time short story. Jack Dawson and Tommy Ryan never liked Bruce Ismay. To that effect, they decided to get back at him using whatever resources they had a their disposal.


**Puddings, Sauce and Idiots**

Jack Dawson and Fabrizio de Rossi were sitting on the deck of Titanic, talking quietly when their friend Tommy Ryan walked up to them with a bag full of several puddings and tubs of various sauces. In one of his pockets, he also had several balloons which were empty, and some eggs. Whatever Tommy was up to, it was certainly not good.

"Whatcha got Tommy?" asked Jack, eyeing the bag in Tommy's hand suspiciously.

The Irishman chuckled. "Well, I overheard you and Rose talking about how much of a goon that Mr Ismay guy was so -"

"You're gonna throw puddings at him!" Jack interupted, peering into Tommy's bag.

"Correction. _We_ are going to throw puddings at him," a wide grin spread across Tommy's face. "And Rose," he added thoughtfully.

"Tommy, you are pazzo!" exclaimed Fabrizio, who couldn't believe what tommy was up to. Fabrizio knew there and then that he didn't want to get involved. "Count me out!"

"Fine. Miss all the fun," teased Tommy, pretending to aim a pudding at Fabrizio, while Jack looked past Tommy to see Rose DeWitt Bukater, accompanied by Mr Andrews, approach them.

"Tommy hide them now!" Jack warned.

Tommy did so. Luckily for him Rose nor Mr Andrews saw the pudding. But they did see the bag, which aroused some suspicion and concern. Tommy saw them stare at the bag, which was dripping in apple sauce. Uh oh.

"What's in the bag?" Rose asked, watching the apple sauce drip onto the deck.

"Food," said Jack, "why, you want some?"

"No thanks." Rose shook her head, who suddenly remembered something. She turned to Mr Andrews and said, "I believe Chief Officer Wilde is looking for you. He said something about the new davits on the lifeboats."

"I completely forgot! Goodbye. And," he turned to Tommy, "stay out of trouble." He ran up to the bridge in search of Wilde.

Rose sat down next to Jack. "Right what's this really about?"

"Explain, Tommy." said Jack.

Tommy then explained everything to them ...

* * *

_On the bridge_

Mr Ismay was talking to Wilde when Mr Andrews came running to them, almost out of breath. They stared at the Irishman trying to compose himself, trying to supress some giggles.

"Sorry Mr Wilde," Mr Andrews panted, clutching his side. "I was a bit busy ... oh for goodness sake."

"Oh dear ..." said Mr Ismay as Mr Andrews had to sit down to regain his breath. He appeared to have run for several miles when he only had to run from one end of the ship to another.

"Good afternoon, I hope -" Captain Smith walked on to the bridge to find Mr Andrews sitting on the floor gasping for breath. "My God, are you alright?"

Mr Andrews nodded.

"Well, good," Mr Ismay walked away so no-one could see him laugh. If only he knew what Tommy had in store for him. If only ...

* * *

_Back on deck_

"Right, we ready?"

Jack and Rose nodded. Fabrizio, on the other hand, had wandered back to his room on G-Deck muttering very quietly in Italian. He did however, mention a woman by the name of Helga.

"Okay, first step. Trip him up and make him fall down some stairs!" Tommy declared as they headed of to the first class part of the ship, the apple sauce still dripping from Tommy's bag.

"Right Rose, you get talking to him, and get him to the stairs where Jack and I will hold up a rope in front of his shins at the last moment and then ..." began Tommy, taking a deep breath, "Wheeeeeeeee! Down he goes! And then, splat!"

The others laughed at this, and as luck would have it, Mr Ismay was walking in their direction.

"Go!" Rose whispered to Jack and Tommy, who ran past Mr Ismay to the stairs. "Mr Ismay!"

Mr Ismay stopped outside his room when he was about to enter and turned around to see Rose standing watching him. "Ah, miss Rose! How are you?"

"Fine," said Rose, trying to keep her expression calm. "Would you like to go for a walk please? I want to talk to you about something."

Mr Ismay considered it for a moment. "Okay then."

"Great!" Rose began to walk in Jack and Tommy's direction, signalling for Mr Ismay to follow. "Have you seen Mr Andrews recently?"

"Yes I have," said Mr Ismay, catching up with her. "He came running to the bridge and was all out of breath!" Mr Ismay tried to stifle his laughter.

Rose frowned. She thought, no wait, she _knew_ fine well that Mr Ismay deserves everything that's coming to him. However, the plan wasn't going to work the way it was supposed to, but it would still work.

"Shit! Shit! Shit!" Jack and Tommy came running round the corner, being chased by First Officer William Murdoch, who was waving the rope above his head like a cowboy.

"Get back! I'm gonna get you idiots!" shouted Murdoch, still waving the rope, which in an instant fell to the ground and tripped him up. "Shit!"

Jack, Rose, Tommy and Mr Ismay started laughing. In a nearby room, the Countess of Rothes peered out of her door to have a look at what was going on. She took one look at Murdoch and headed back inside to laugh her head off at the officer who was now tangled in the ropes.

"Mr Ismay, help me get outta this!"

Mr Ismay proceeded to help Murdoch, despite the other's cries of protest.

"Ah fuck it!" Tommy grabbed two puddings from his back and hurled them at Ismay, splattering Murdoch in the process.

"HEY!" bellowed Murdoch, which resulted in more laughter and the countess once again emerging from her room to monitor the situation.

"What now?" said Jack airily as Tommy took aim and threw chocolate sauce over Ismay's head, which landed on Murdoch's back.

"I'M A FUCKING OFFICER! STOP THIS AT ONCE OR I'LL THROW YOU OVERBOARD!"

Tommy looked shocked. "He's an officer! Oh shit!"

Rose looked at him like he was a bizarre creature from another planet. "You didn't think he was an officer? Really?"

"No! It's not funny!" he added to Jack who was howling with laughter. Tommy subsequently threw a pudding at Jack, which landed in his face. That shut him up.

"Why do you think he's wearing an officer's uniform?" asked Rose, ingnoring Mr Ismay's mutterings and Murdoch's shouting.

"Oh, I thought he's having a laugh ..." Tommy answered sheepishly. Rose, Jack, Mr Ismay and the countess began to laugh at Tommy's stupidity.

"Oh COME ON! Help me here!" Murdoch cried, trying to wipe the chocolate sauce of his backside, which resulted in a bigger mess. "Tell you what, untie me and I WON'T throw you overboard ... provided you throw everything you've got at Mr Ismay!"

"Fucking brilliant!" Jack ran to untie Murdoch, who then helped in pelting Mr Ismay with puddings, sauces, eggs and the balloons which had been filled with water, thanks to the Countess of Rothes who filled them up in the sink of her bathroom.

Grumbling, Mr Ismay stumbled back into his room, looking like a bomb had hit him or (as Murdoch had pointed out) several animals and birds had done the toilet on him.

"Ha ha ha! Well done!" Tommy congratulated everyone.

"Well ... I'd better get this mess off mymyself. Watch what your doing from now on, eh?" Murdoch added to Jack, Tommy and Rose before walking to the Officers Quarters to get changed.

Tommy, Jack and Rose went off to steerage to find Fabrizio to tell him what he missed. It was quite an eventful afternoon for them and shortly after dinner, they had all fallen asleep, including Murdoch, who missed his shift and was given into trouble from Wilde and the captain.


End file.
